The Empty Nest
by Julie McClain…  

I didn’t even know I have a Nest!

So, I’ve been trying to figure out – where did this phrase ‘Empty Nest’ come from? It’s a colloquialism that describes a very significant stage in a families life cycle. But it’s a bit random when we look to birds to describe what happens when our child or children leave home and move on to live their lives as adults. Empty Nest is even considered a ‘Syndrome’. Oh wow. At the end of our 18-30 years of raising our kids (depending on how many eggs you laid and how far apart they hatched) we end up with a “group of signs and symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality or condition or a set of concurrent things such as emotions or actions that usually form an identifiable pattern”.* So, at the end of all the years of blood, sweat, (laughter) and tears – you are graced with a SYNDROME! You’re welcome.

Even if you don’t qualify for the syndrome title – if you are feeling pretty good about the inevitable transition of no longer raising kids – or if you’re making it over the hump quite well, we can’t ignore what a HUGE reality it is to have our kids grown and gone. A wise mentor of mine looks at the role of parents is not that we are ‘raising kids’ but ‘raising adults’.* In the end, we hope that there are relatively capable, adjusted and mature young adults heading out to figure out life on their own. Maybe when we constantly think that were just trying to ‘raise kids’ – it’s a whole lot harder to feel confident when we send them out to try it on their own.

I vividly remember looking down at my brand-new baby, just out of the hopper – staring at tiny eyes and precious little lips all scrunched together – and thought “someday she will graduate from high school”!! It seemed so far away. And it was – but as we all can testify to now, the moments and days were fleeting. The days were often long but the years were short. And now we would give almost anything to go back and hold that tiny one again against our chest or have a nose to nose chat with our 3 year old (while trying to keep a straight face) who is reciting all kinds of nonsense in their convicted logic and reasoning.

BUT what about the parents – US, who just keep on keeping on. There are a variety of paradigms for those of us who end up ‘Empty Nesters’. There are married couples who have made it so far from our innocently (naively?) recited vows we made decades earlier when we were young, in love and really had no clue what the years ahead would hold. There are single parents who become ‘Empty Nesters’ who now must adjust to life truly alone. There are grandparents or other caregivers who took on role of ‘mom or dad’ and are also now facing the new realities of what it means to no longer have these children in their charge on a daily basis.

I won’t even get into the new role and challenge that comes with parenting adult children. That is a whole different Pandora’s box. But we all know that just because the kids have ‘launched’ and are out of the nest – we are still their parents, we still care deeply and now have a whole new burden of how to support and care but back off and butt out – unless we are asked of course!

To stay on point – lets think about YOU… and me and whatever paradigm we’re in now. Married, divorced, re-married, single, alone… how is it going? When I saw my youngest approaching graduation from High School – I knew it was a big deal – a HUGE shift was looming for my husband and I. I had such conflicting emotions. I was very excited to see where and what was her ‘next’ but I knew that as a mom (so much of my life for the past 20 years had so profoundly encompassed the role as Caleb and Molly’s mom) was ending. Yes, I know – I’m still their mom, forever… but, now that they are both gone with no anticipated permanent return in sight – I found the winding road of adjusting to no longer having the role of mom at the top of my responsibilities and identity anymore has felt sometimes like a roller coaster with great highs and lows.

I’m sure people deal with this in as many different ways as there are unique fingerprints to each one of us. But, apparently it gets its own title ‘ Empty Nest’ because there are some similar experiences and realities that most of us go through. Some of the details are not simple or pretty. In fact – I think conflicting might be a good word to describe many of the thoughts and emotions that are a part of being a Empty Nester. On one hand -we’re excited! Honestly, to not have to take our kids needs, schedules, emotions and expectations into account on a daily basis is actually pretty freeing. One of my favorite parts of being an Empty Nester is that when I leave home in the morning and return hours later – my house looks exactly like when I left it! But, to no longer hear the ‘thump * thump’ of their music re-vibrating through the walls can make our home seem deafeningly quiet. To not have the rare but treasured moment when they do want to snuggle next to you on the couch is a deeply missed moment. We find we miss going to watch them play a game, compete at their sport or perform their craft – because it really was one of the highlights of our life as their parent.

For some of us – we were able to keep so busy and so focused on all of the needs and demands of our kids that now we just look across the table at our spouse and have nothing really to talk about. How many of us really – proactively looked to invest in and protect our marriages? How did we do at keeping the priorities of our relationships with God, our spouse, our kids and then our jobs and other responsibilities? I think most of us admit that at best, it was a challenge and not done perfectly. We would do some things differently now in the rear-view mirror of hindsight.

One of the most common realities of Empty Nesters is how isolating it is. There aren’t just parents we bump into at the playground in the park that we can start up an easy conversation and compare notes on sleepless nights and potty training. We just end up trying to do all that’s required of us but often don’t have support and comradery that can make this unique and profoundly complex chapter of our lives have meaning and hope. Look at all of those friends of your kids – all of their parents are or will soon be in a similar nest – their own mass of twigs and leaves that lacks the little ones who once resided in it.

Empty Nest. How are you doing? What words come up for you when you describe your experience so far – or how are you anticipating its arrival? If it’s a mixed bag – then you’re probably right in there with most of the rest. If you only feel happy gleeful thoughts or only find tears and dread – then perhaps there is reality based in truth, somewhere in the middle. But this is true – like everything else, the more ‘on purpose’ you are to prepare and to engage in its day to day reality, the more you will find the GOOD in this inevitable stage of the family life cycle.

Name the things you hope and fear. Claim the things that are true about you and your situation – even more that are what God says about you and your family. Choose to engage in each day as a gift, with whatever joys and sorrows come with it. We all will get through it and find life is uniquely different but just as full of meaning and purpose as it ever was.

* Merriam- Webster

* Raising Adults: Getting Kids Ready for the Real World. Jim Hancock